Preparing children to succeed

Key topic

Family is said to be the backbone of any successful young adult. The support, love, care and guidance given to children play a vital role in shaping their character and preparing them for what lies ahead. Understanding the true meaning of this very demanding leadership role, called parenting, can better prepare parents to adapt to it. Parents should strive to encourage and motivate their children, fostering a development culture and environment, whilst promoting good behavior and true sportsmanship. Please keep in mind that your child looks up to you as a role-model and therefore you have to lead by example.

Even when you think that your child is not watching or will not notice, most of the times they do. Something that you might conceive of as trivial, might stick with your child for a long time or even inform their behavior and development. You have to be able to look at the bigger picture and at the same time keep an eye on micro issues and details. Moreover, while teaching your children how to behave, what to do what not to do, how to approach the world, how to treat people and so on, you have to make sure that your own behavior does not in any way contradict what you preach because it will only confuse them.

Learning objectives

• Appreciate your role in your kid’s sports journey
• Understand the importance of helping your kids in combining sports and academics
• Figure out how to encourage and motivate your children
• Develop proper habits as a sport parent and sport spectator
• Create sport-like conditions at home for academic work and everyday life activities

Positive sport parenting contributes to the holistic development of young athletes

The holistic model of athlete development focuses on the player and the player’s athletic, personal, emotional, psychological, academic, social and financial development.  A holistic view of developing athletes contributes to the personal growth and maturity of the athlete and it prepares athletes not just for being successful at their sport but for being successful in life after sport as well.  The parents of athletes have a tremendous role to play in their children’s development and, positive sport parenting enhances and contributes to the holistic model of athlete development.

Imagine the peer pressure surrounding young athletes today; think of the sport culture and how that creates expectations, long-term goals and needs that are not at all easy to be met. Parents are by nature the first point of contact, support and approval-seeking for their young teenagers and as such parents should make sure that they are all that and even more; they should make it a point to lighten the pressure and keep their kids on the right track following the process below:

How can you lighten your kids’ pressure and keep them on the right track?

1. Provide emotional support – This can be both verbal but also nonverbal means of communication that exemplify care and concern through comfort, acceptance and empathy. Allow them to express their negative feelings, the feelings of disappointment or failure and counter the negative feelings by pointing out their accomplishments throughout the competition. Remind them that even professional athletes – their icons – have bad days.
2. Provide enthusiastic leadership by instilling in kids, enthusiasm and passion about what they do. Teach them good sportsmanship, fair play and the positive aspects of the experience. Teach them the positive side of competition such as the desire to work hard, to develop camaraderie with teammates. At the same time, be careful not to substitute the coach/ trainer.
3. Emphasize effort and personal improvement by showing children that in both successes and failures there was effort to be celebrated but also lessons to be learned that will help down the line
4. Allow for independence and we do not mean complete independence.  Young teens need room to act and decide without intervention and make mistakes and learn from those mistakes
5. Invest in the journey and not the destination – You need to emphasize that although winning is always nice, especially when we are young, we should also pay attention to the journey and not just the destination.  As a parent you need to keep in mind that the definition of success varies from athlete to athlete and from one age group to another.

Parents of young athletes should make an effort to be involved, walking that fine line between being overly demanding or too nurturing with their young ones. Being either overly demanding or too nurturing are equally problematic albeit for different reasons. Being overly demanding can, among other things, damage teenagers’ self-esteem, their ability to feel fulfilled and satisfied with their achievements. On the other hand, parents should also be aware that indiscriminate praise does not build self-esteem; hence, they need to maintain a balance to help their children understand the importance of a reward stemming from real effort.

Moreover, what makes a good sport parent is the effort they put in knowing the team coach, showing respect and appreciation for the coaching staff, without interfering; discussion and exchange of ideas should always take place amongst parents and the coaching staff, as long as boundaries are set. Above all, the most important prerequisite for a good sport parent is to simply be there. Understandably, a lot of you might not have the time to do all of the above. Therefore, merely showing up is probably more important than all of the above. Make the effort to show up at games as often as possible. You might not have the time to discuss and exchange ideas with coaches and that is ok. What kids appreciate the most, is showing up for them.

Additionally, sport parents should be aware that they are role models for their athlete children and that the parents’ behavior is usually modelled after by their children.  Parents need to maintain a firm stand, that teenagers should be loyal to their team, their coaches, and their collective goals. Perhaps the most important characteristic of positive sport parenting is to always remember that the parents’ dreams are not the same as those of their kids and under no circumstances should the parents try to realize their dreams through their kids. Take pride in your kids’ achievements and celebrate them and even claim some of the credit but it is important not to confuse your dreams as a kid or even your dreams for them with what the kids actually want to do and what they consider important.

A helpful code of conduct to ensure that parents are doing the best they can for the holistic development of their children-athletes has been formed by the Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sport.

The Code of conduct for parents of athletes

• I will remember that my children play sport for their enjoyment, not for mine.
• I will encourage my child to play by the rules and to resolve conflicts without resorting to hostility or violence.
• I will teach my child that doing one’s best is as important as winning, so that my child will never feel defeated by the outcome of a game/event.
• I will make my child feel like a winner every time by offering praise for competing fairly and trying hard.
• I will never ridicule or yell at my child for making a mistake or losing a competition.
• I will remember that children learn best by example.
• I will applaud good players’ performances by both my child’s team and their opponents.
• I will not force my child to participate in sports.
• I will never question the officials’ judgment or honesty in public.
• I will support all efforts to remove verbal and physical abuse from children’s sporting activities.
• I will respect and show appreciation for the coaches, understanding that I have a responsibility to be a part of my child’s development.
• I adhere to Fair Play.

The essence of sport participation at a young age requires an environment of growth and development. It is the parents’ responsibility to foster this environment, cultivate it within the household and help their teenagers embrace this process of growth in a healthy manner. Moreover, as stated above, it is equally important to avoid certain types of attitudes and approaches.

Sport parenting guidelines

Sport parenting is a phase in life that most parents go through; it could be that their child has decided to take on soccer, swimming or tennis practice after school, or even pursue a career in sport. Whatever the chosen field and level of involvement of the child, parents play an important role in how young athletes evolve throughout their sporting journey. Sport parents will not only have to drive their child to practice, competitions and tournaments, but they are also there to offer emotional support and encourage their child to realize their potential in an appropriate manner.

It is widely accepted that psychological strength and emotional wellbeing are vital for the success of young athletes; evidently, the parent will play a crucial role in this. However, a parent should not get caught up in their child’s sport experience and lose perspective.

It is indeed true that parents do not like to see their children fail or be disappointed, but their desire to see their child succeed and be perfect may add unnecessary pressure, instil a false sense of entitlement, negatively impacting the child’s wellbeing and consequently their sport performance. Unfortunately, some sporting parents end up treating their child’s sport as an investment, expecting something in return; when a parent’s self-worth is based on the child’s success, this will result in parents being pushy. There is a fine line between parents being pushy and being supportive, and care must be taken to find the right balance in order to both maintain a healthy relationship with their child, but also to allow the young athlete to develop values that will contribute to their future success.

Rather than being pushy, sport parents should support, encourage, advise their children as to how to handle situations that they have not previously encountered (e.g. performance anxiety, competition setbacks etc.) and teach them good sportsmanship by conveying values such as fairness, respect for other athletes and accepting losses gracefully. In order to strike the right balance between being supportive while not being pushy, a parent may consider the below:

• Provide unconditional love and support regardless of the young athlete’s performance or results; treat your child the same after wins and losses and do not change plans based on the outcome of a competition. This is very important, since your young ones will be looking for signs of a change of attitude, particularly following a defeat.
• Help your child develop confidence by praising hard work, emphasizing that mistakes are an important part of learning. Make sure to focus on the effort made rather than the result and always encourage persistence if your child finds certain situations challenging.
• Encourage your child to have fun and enjoy their chosen sport rather than focusing on winning as it is important that the child strives to improve regardless of the result.
• Avoid trying to coach your child or push them into excessive training, as young athletes are at risk of overuse injuries. They are young and think that they are invincible; they are not yet familiar with their own limits so it is easy to push them over those limits. This is why they have a coach who knows how to optimize training and how to best balance it with rest and recovery.
• Help your child manage stress and anxiety by encouraging them to discuss any concerns they have and explaining that anxiety is something that all athletes experience and that it is the body’s way of getting ready for a competition. You may even introduce them to some basic strategies to deal with stress, such as breathing and mindfulness techniques.

As a parent, it is important to be there for your child, and convey the right message, which has been best laid out by Deloris Jordan, mother of basketball legend Michael Jordan: “You have to apply yourself and work hard. And when you work hard and do not expect anyone to give you anything, you can be successful. You may not reach the goals that you set for yourself, but you can walk off the court saying I feel good about who I am because I gave it my best”.

Your child’s sports future and drawing the line between dreams and reality

It is true that the younger you are the more hopeful you are, and the more hopeful you are, the wilder dreams you have. When kids are young, their imagination runs wild and they all want to become famous and great. They want to become football players, basketball players, astronauts, race car drivers and so on. Dreams are good and a fundamental aspect of being a child; however, as your kids get older you have to slowly pull them to reality, without of course crushing their hopes and dreams.

According to the numbers, there are more or less half a million student-athletes in the US, however, of those only 2% – as previously mentioned – will become professional athletes; the rest will become professionals in something else. If we adjust these numbers for children athletes, we will need to add a lot of zeroes in front of that 2%. That implies that only the elite of the elite will manage to make a living by competing in their favorite sport. Nonetheless, this is not a reason to discourage children from participating in sports. After all, there is a lot to be gained from sports in terms of qualities and skills that can always come in handy in life. Teamwork and communication skills, a sense of community and time management are all positive effects of sports that are transferable and even required in most professions.

It is also likely that by being involved in sports, your kid will develop certain character attributes that are useful in life such as, determination, perseverance, positivity, a can-do attitude and passion. The key is communicating to your child that their goal when competing should not be to turn pro, but to enjoy sports and do it for their own happiness and physical health. If they have the necessary talent to turn pro, their coach will most probably let you know. Most of those select few who stand a chance of turning pro will know it by the time they go to college and maybe even before that.

Even in the case where a child is destined to become a professional athlete, there are other challenges and obstacles that might impede them from doing so, such as, injuries. So, it is not only important to instil in children that there are benefits from competing aside from money, glory and fame, but also to encourage them to discover other passions in life. As most of them will not end up with a professional sports contract, you have to help them discover other interests, be they a specific profession, such as becoming a lawyer, or a broader field of interest, such as biology. That will help them develop an idea of what they want to do aside from sports.

Sports are a healthy and necessary activity for every child and most children will at some point express the desire to become professionals in their sport; very few of them will though.  It is ok to have such wild dreams when your kids are young, but as they grow older, as parents you have to help them become more realistic. The two most important things that parents have to focus on are: (a) helping children see the broader benefits of participating in sports, and (b) also help them discover other passions and interests. This has to be done carefully so as to avoid crushing the kids’ capacity to make dreams which may direct them to cynicism and pessimism.

Action steps – Exercise 1 (6 minutes):

Ask the parents to discuss how and when they think they should start educating their children about the difficulties of becoming pro and the importance of education and having alternatives.

Help your child balance education and sports

Parents are instrumental in helping young athletes excel both academically and in sports; a sport parent can offer emotional support, practical time management tips and encouragement for their child to realize their potential in a healthy manner. It may sometimes be difficult for a young athlete to combine their education with a sport and, at times, it may feel like the two areas are competing priorities. However, with the right attitude, they can enhance each other; helping your child learn to balance school and sports is a lesson that will serve them well through adulthood.

The Facts: All NCAA athletes will turn pro, but most of them in something other than sports.  It is not intended to undermine the efforts of teenage athletes or diminish your own personal aspirations for your kid’s sport career, but it is vital to remember that, as at 2019, only 6% of student athletes in all sports get the opportunity to make the transition from high school to college sports and only 2% of collegiate athletes become professional athletes.

These facts are a welcome alarm notification; teenage athletes should strive to perfect their craft and succeed in sports long-term, but at the same time they should focus on their academic work as well. Even for those who do actually become NCAA student-athletes, it is vital to understand the importance of a dual career (sports and academics). This is your chance as parents, to get a head start.

It is perfectly acceptable for you and your children to have sporting aspirations and dreams of professional sport careers. It’s even bold, to say the least, to make a joint investment towards that. But you should remember that education is a key life component for young adults and a necessary tool for life after sports. It is important because it creates knowledge, skills and competencies, it builds character; even if sports can provide for your child, education is key to sustain and maximize the benefits of a short-lived sport career into a successful life time career.

Discussing the Facts with your Children and Raising their Awareness as to the Reality of Things: Taking the time to discuss the facts with your children is very important. Understanding that college and professional sport careers are a long shot, together with them you should aim at a joint decision that academics are equally important and useful. Without minimizing their dreams, young athletes should take time to comprehend and appreciate the importance of a dual career, especially at the high school and college level, in order to make sure that they do have options down the road.

Combining the two will never be an easy task. Hard work, dedication, determination are all important characteristics that a teenager must develop. At the same time, the support network around the athlete and especially the parents should help the athlete with time-management, encouragement and motivation. Compiling a daily schedule to incorporate practice and studying is the basis of a functional coexistence between sports and academics. Lightening the load of chores or extra-curricular activities is also a sound choice. Remember that young athletes have to cope with various stressors and pressure coming from teachers, coaches, peers, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends. Parents should strive to become a pillar of support and a boundary to a balanced life, as we will discuss later on.

Adopting Sport-Specific Traits in Academic Life: Encourage your children to adopt their sport-specific traits into their academic life. Hard work, focus, success orientation, good teamwork, respect for the task at hand and respect for the “players” in this task. Children can relate to these characteristics and can transfer them into their daily regiment in school, when doing homework, and in all aspects of their social life as well. It would be ill advised to create a competition between sports and academics or relate the academic performance to the continuation of sport activities. It would also be recommended to avoid comparisons with siblings or other children, teammates or not. The message should be clear, to the extent that your child should strive to be the best he/she can be; the student-athlete should be better today than yesterday and better tomorrow than today, on and off the field of play.

Here are a few ways to help your child strike a balance between sport and academics:

• Teach your child to manage their time well: assist your child in choosing a tool to help them make a plan and teach them to create calendar assignments for games, practices, and other deadlines. You can help them come up with a schedule once they get their syllabus and training schedule and you may discuss and review the plan together at frequent intervals to ensure that it is realistic.
• Encourage your child to complete their homework on time and stay on top of their assignments, as leaving things for the last minute can cause stress for both you and them. Sticking to their plan and tackling tasks as soon as possible will help them be more in control and avoid getting stressed during their free time, sports practice or games.
• Help them study in a smart and efficient manner: talk to your child about making the best use of their time, perhaps travelling to and from games may be utilized to complete an assignment, while they should make the most of study halls. Indeed, homework doesn’t only have to be completed at night.  As a parent you should try to be creative with your kids’ time management so as to maximize their free time; this way, your child will also learn how to manage their time well.
• Make time for your child to relax: it is important that your child’s plan incorporates breaks to enjoy their hobbies, hanging out with friends and family, and rest. Having a proper life balance will help them avoid burn out and enjoy the journey, which is what sports should really be about!
• Be there for them: engage with your child and keep a close eye on their behavior in their academic and social environments; if there is a change in their grades, sleep patterns, social engagements or general behavior, it may be a good idea to discuss these changes and be supportive of your child.
• Don’t forget your priorities: your child should be able to take a day off of their sports practice or miss a game if there is a family event or holiday – let their coach know ahead of time. It is important that they understand that there are times when personal wants need to come first.
• Less is more: If your child is involved in too many sporting events, or too many extracurricular activities, and does not have any personal time, then it may be time to reconsider which activities are most important and which can be set aside for now.

Parent – spectator behavior

Sitting on the stands or on the side of a pitch, watching your child compete in sports is an exciting and emotional experience. The great majority of parents who make the effort to attend their kids’ games will watch them learn, grow and develop through sports play. It is, however, easy to get carried away and give in to the heat of the moment and perhaps show excessive passion and enthusiasm.

A good sport parent is a good role model for the athlete. The parent should practice (after preaching) good sportsmanship, meaningful support and avoid confrontation or sending mixed signals in reference to the team and coaching staff. Parents should insist that kids should be loyal to their team, their coaches, their team goals and then to the parents and the household.

Perhaps the most important characteristic of a good sport parent is to always remember that their dreams are not the same as those of their teenagers and under no reason should they expect to realize their own dreams through their children. It is important for sports parents to remember not to define their own self-worth in terms of their kids’ sport accomplishments, by living vicariously through their wins and losses.

As a sport parent you should always keep into perspective the fact that your kids will walk away from sports having earned countless intangible benefits, valuable traits and characteristics, which are transferable and will aid in their future success, in many other facets of adult life.

You need to understand that winning does not automatically make your kids happy and that your attitude and approach is indeed very important to your kids and their development. For most children, a successful game is one in which they had fun, didn’t embarrass themselves and got a great snack afterwards.  Of course, nobody really likes to lose, but you will be surprised at how your kids, on game days, may not consider winning the most important feat of the day.

So, what really constitutes proper sport spectator behavior for parents?  It is quite simple and all you need to do is follow a few basic guidelines which include:

• Applaud effort and encourage good sportsmanship from both sides of the competition
• Remain within the spectators’ areas and refrain from entering the field of play
• Let the coaches and referees do their job, without interfering
• Avoid criticizing or humiliating participants for mistakes and/or behavior on the field
• Neither engage nor tolerate violent, offensive, abusive, threatening, intimidating, behavior or language
• Refrain from alcohol and/or tobacco use in any sporting facility (indoor or outdoor)
• Show respect and appreciation
• Show and transmit enthusiasm in a responsible manner
• Promote playing by the rules and respecting decisions on the field
• Understand that sport is part of a total life experience, and the benefits of involvement go far beyond the final score of the game

If your child could actually advise you on how to behave in the field it would probably be something like:

REMEMBER I am just a kid having fun

REMEMBER it’s just a game

REMEMBER my opponent is someone else’s kid

REMEMBER the referee is only human

REMEMBER they are not handing out college scholarships at the end of the game!

Our behavior on the stands greatly influences and affects our children, both short-term and long-term.  We should always remember that and as parents we should stand up for good sportsmanship, fair-play and true fan behavior. It is sadly a usual phenomenon to witness verbal, emotional and even physical abuse by parent-spectators directed against other parents on the stands, referees, coaches, even against other children! Such behavior may scar your own children for life and redefine how they approach sports.

Sports is about competition, self-development, being healthy and many other things. What it should not be associated with is: fear, abuse and violence. Take a look at the video below with ten random examples of parents.  Clearly, these are examples to be avoided.

Sport Parents gone crazy

**Accumulated duration of the 10 clips is approx. 18 minutes, please choose a few based on how the lecture is going. We recommend around 8 minutes.

Action steps – Exercise 2 (6 minutes):

Having watched these short clips, please share any similar experiences you might have had witnessing such behavior. Let the parents talk about how it made them feel and how, if at all, it would be appropriate to react and in what ways.

Lesson wrap-up

Key takeaways:

• The most important things that parents need to take away from this lesson are not the details per se—after all there is no one recipe as we said— but the contours we tried to set regarding their behavior and attitude in relation to their child, the coaching staff, winning and losing, etc.
• It is equally important, if not more important, to understand what not to do as much as what to do.
• Parents should always remember that their child’s education is vital no matter how good or promising their child might be in sports.
• You should try and be there as much as possible, try and avoid certain types of behaviour that might overwork your children, teach them the importance of education, do not overstep and regulate your behavior when attending their games.
• Sports can be a means to an end but they can also be so much more. It can be an end in itself, teaching your young ones valuable skills and lessons that will help them for the rest of their lives.

At this point we will wrap up today’s lesson.  First, we will go over the learning objectives of this lesson and we want your feedback as to whether they have been achieved and then we will address any questions you may have.  Please feel free to ask anything you’d like in relation to today’s lesson and we would love to hear how the concepts we discussed today relate to your athlete kids and your family!