Teaching children gratitude, social responsibility and giving back

Introduction

Key topic

In this lesson we discuss some important attitudes and ways of conduct that all children should learn from a young age from their parents.  Social responsibility and gratitude are two concepts that should be ingrained into the child’s psyche from a young age. We will discuss ways for communicating these two concepts to the young ones and analyze the positive effects both in the short-run and the long-run.

Learning objectives

• Understand the concept of gratitude
• Learn in a practical way how to teach gratitude directly and indirectly to young children
• As humans we are by our nature sociable beings and we should learn to translate that into social responsibility and the necessary community spirit that can turn children into valuable members of society
• If your child ends up becoming a professional athlete then the lessons of gratitude and social responsibility will come in handy. With the perks that come with a career in professional sports, your child will be in a position to make a difference
• Regardless of what career path your child eventually chooses, gratitude and social responsibility are always invaluable traits

Gratitude, its meaning and importance

Gratitude is the state of being thankful, the readiness to show and express appreciation as well as return kindness. Gratitude is useful both as an ethical value and as a practical one. Everyone should be grateful for what they have, of who they are, of how they look and for life in general.  That is not to imply that we should not try to improve ourselves, our personality and our material possessions.  We should learn how to be thankful for where we are and who we are right now because that is the result of all our previous good and bad decisions. We should be grateful because we are most probably better-off than most of our fellow human beings on this planet.

There is also a practical aspect in learning how to be grateful. In life we always socialize with people from diverse educations and socioeconomic backgrounds which implies, that we will meet people with more wealth, possessions, social capital and education. Of course, the opposite is true as well; we will meet people with fewer possessions than us. Unfortunately, we always tend to compare ourselves to the former groups; those who have more than us. Social scientists have named this phenomenon as “Keeping up with the Joneses” after the famous comic of the early 20th century by Arthur P. Momand. This theory suggests that we start comparing ourselves and our living standards with those of our neighbours, of our peers. There is a paradox ingrained in this phenomenon which supports that even if we improve our living standards, we simply change the benchmark of comparison. Put simply, we start comparing our standard of living with other people who have more. This becomes an endless loop whereby we are never satisfied with what we have. The underlying characteristic, or better yet the characteristic which lacks and thus enables this, is gratitude.

Therefore, we ought to teach children from a young age to be grateful for what they have, without of course making them complacent. As it should be clear by now, gratitude is a variable in the “equation” of happiness, because if we can never be content or at least look at the bright side of our lives, then we can never be happy.  By teaching your children how to be grateful then you are also helping your child to gain a vital ally in their struggle for psychological well-being.

Research by Froh, Sefick, Emmons (2008) suggests that grateful kids between the ages of 11-13 tend to be happier, more optimistic, and have better social support. They also report more satisfaction with their schools, families, communities, friends, and most importantly themselves.

Gratitude is also closely related to the other two themes of today’s lesson: Social Responsibility and giving back. They are related insofar as we first need to find our anchor from within to be grateful for what we have, before we are able or even willing to help others. However, once we learn how to be grateful then we develop the vision and clarity to show empathy and compassion for others who were not as lucky as we were or who we will not have the same opportunities as we did. In short, gratitude is both practically and ethically valuable and the necessary starting point for developing a healthy sense of sociability. The age that your children are at right now is also crucial, since they are still young and you can still implant in their minds, good qualities and virtues but at the same time they are old enough to retain these lessons.

• Gratitude is good for the child: Brain research shows that positive emotions are good for our brains.
• One positive emotion brings more positive emotions: When we express gratitude, we feel good and feeling good makes us happy. Gratitude diverts your attention away from negativity and reduces feelings of envy and jealousy.
• Positivity opens up possibilities: Positive emotions boost our ability to learn, make good decisions but also be confident in ourselves that we can try and achieve new things
• Gratitude improves relationships: when you express your appreciation for the people around you, it will help strengthen your relationship with them. It creates bonds, builds trust and helps you solidify relationships in the family, at school, with friends etc.

Let’s hear what Dr. Robert Emmons, psychologist and world expert on gratitude, has to say about the importance of gratitude in this 4-minute video:

Robert Emmons: What Good Is Gratitude?

How to teach gratitude to young children

There are various ways to teach children gratitude both directly and indirectly. Indirect methods however are likely to be more effective and enduring since you essentially try to teach by example and not in “do as I say, not as I do” way. Nonetheless, a combination of direct and indirect methods is always the best strategy.

There are four principles to teaching gratitude:

Notice– First you need to encourage children to notice or identify gratitude; for example, a good deed done for them.

Think– Then children have to start thinking about it in terms of why someone did that for them or why they deserve it, or even why they did what they did.

Feel– Make children reflect on their emotions vis-à-vis the good deed or the thing they were given. Did they feel excited, calm, proud, happy etc?

Do– Encourage them to think of what they can do to show appreciation and gratitude. In other words, show them how to act in order to express their gratitude.

We will divide this section in two different parts. The first one has to with how you can encourage your children to develop a sense of gratitude while the second suggests way to teach by example:

Direct Activities for children

1. A gratitude journal and/or diary: One of the best ways to comprehend, appreciate and digest something is to write it down. You can encourage children to write down what they like about themselves and about their life more generally. This will help them to critically think and reflect about all the good things in their life. It will not only help them to fully appreciate and articulate all the things that they are grateful for but they will also have a written record to refer back to on a rainy day. An alternative strategy, is to encourage them to keep a daily journal of their day where they will not only write about their day but also to extract from the day all the positive things. In short, such exercises instill on a child’s psyche the ability to look on the bright side and keep in mind all the things that they should be thankful for.
2. Saying thank you: Perhaps the simplest thing you can teach and remind your children to do is saying thank you. Thank you is literally the linguistic expression of gratitude. If it doesn’t seem like genuine appreciation when your child needs a reminder, encouraging them to verbally express appreciation can be an important learning technique for genuine gratitude down the road. You can also encourage your kids to write thank you notes to people who give them gifts.
3. Create a family gratitude list: Use a piece of paper or a sticky note where everyone in the family, grown-ups and children alike, have to share one thing per week that they feel grateful within the context of the household. That way, you can actively take part in your gratitude-building exercise which can influence the way your young ones approach gratitude.
4. Gratitude at the dinner table: This is a similar activity as the previous one with the added benefit that you can also discuss the things that you and your kids are grateful about. Moreover, it will be easier for children to visualize your appreciation for their gratitude and vice versa.
5. Discuss envy: Envy is the opposite of gratitude. Put simply, envy can come when we are not feeling thankful for what we have, and are focusing instead on what others have. Teach your children to work through feelings of jealously, to appreciate what they have and to stop comparing themselves to their peers. Explain to them that some are more fortunate while others are less fortunate, and that we all have a unique set of circumstances.

Indirect activities

1. Gratitude activities (e.g., walks): Take the opportunity to teach your children to notice and appreciate the small things in life. For example, when you’re taking a walk in the park comment on the shining sun, or the flying birds, a tall tree and stress their natural beauty in order to try and give an innate value to them. In this manner, your child will start appreciating things and seeing beauty in all places. This will teach them indirectly to be appreciative. You can also do this during a rainy day or a day at the beach. The more places you visit in these appreciation walks with your children, the better.
2. Be/ Look grateful: Adulthood is not always a happy place; you must urge your children though, to make an effort to at least look grateful even when it is hard to do so. In that way you communicate to them, that no matter how difficult life gets we must always remember to stop and absorb all the good things in life. More importantly, this way you lead by example which is always stronger and more effective than dictating things.
3. Look for the silver lining: Help children see the bright side in a bad situation. Moreover, make sure that they see you doing the same thing for yourself. This is a great technique for teaching them to be always looking for positive things in life. Their journeys will not be easy, this is just how it is, but you can equip them with the tools for coping with these situations.

Action Steps – Exercise 1 (10 minutes)

Let’s discuss which of the above activities can be utilized by your family.  List a few that you think are suitable for your family and your children, and tell us why and how they will help you teach your kids to practice gratitude.

Social responsibility and community spirit

As we have already stressed, the positive effects of gratitude are primarily personal. Although others will be the receivers of their ability to show gratitude, the long-term benefits will be harvested by the child themself. However, sociability is a key aspect of our nature. We pretty much want to love, trust, socialize, talk and form bonds of various types with our fellow human beings. We exist in communities, in societies and our interaction with our fellow human beings is invaluable. Children have to learn the importance of social responsibility and develop community spirit from a young age. In other words, children need to learn to contribute to the various communities that they will find themselves in throughout their life; be they a school community, university community, sports team, neighborhood, workplace and so on.

Social responsibility is defined as the duty of individuals (and not only) to work towards the common good and use this as the guiding principles of their actions. It is like a promise everyone should make to society that they will work for social, cultural and, ecological causes.  The concept social responsibility is built on a nexus of ethics, in which decisions and actions must be ethically “approved” before being executed. If the decision causes harm to society, then it would be considered (socially) irresponsible. Moral values that are deeply ingrained in society create a normative distinction between right and wrong. As such, social fairness is believed by most to be in the “right”, but frequently, this fairness is absent. Every individual has a responsibility to act in a manner that is not only beneficial to the individual but to society as a whole.

Being socially responsible shows both social awareness and self-management skills—that is, an awareness of how our decisions affect others. People should never underestimate the satisfaction that can be derived from working for and with others, by setting aside personal goals and interests from time-to-time. Humans always need to be part of and work towards something greater than themselves.

Action steps – Exercise 2 (5 minutes)

Do you think that it is vital for your child to be a socially responsible person? If yes, why so? If no, why not?

Ways to teach social responsibility to pre-adolescent children

There are several ways to teach your child to be a socially responsible person. You can either encourage them to discover on their own, any issues which are close to their heart, they may try to find out about the world’s problems themselves, or you can opt to teach them about the hardships of our world and how they can help. Ideally, you might want to try a combination of both. There are so many issues out there that your child can help with, ranging from issues of gender and race to income and climate. As we said before, the concept of gratitude comes in handy here since it is much easier for someone who appreciates what they have and what they are, to feel empathy and compassion and develop the drive to help others.

Cultivating the right pre-conditions: Children are like blank slates and different types of behavior such as politeness, morality, manners, ethics, values and principles have to be taught to them.  In order to raise socially responsible adults, you have to make sure that the right preconditions are there. You have to teach your child to tell right from wrong, to be able to situate themselves in an issue, to say thank you and please, to be kind to others and so on. Only then you will be able to explain to them that as members of society they have rights, duties and obligations; to work towards the common good and try to help other people, to respect the planet and our environment and work for the various communities they will be part of throughout their lives.

Raising awareness: The easiest and most practical way to start is by teaching your child at home to notice things that are wrong and make an effort to make them right. This can start at home by helping them see small things that they can help with. For example, a napkin that has fallen on the floor and needs to go the garbage can, mopping water from the floor after they shower etc. Small daily acts like these will help them build awareness of their surroundings and try to do whatever they can, instead of waiting for others to do everything.

Donate: Children’s needs and wants change drastically every few months until they become teenagers. Children change toys, video games, clothing and so on constantly which means that they have a lot of things that they no longer need nor use. On the other hand, there are millions of children around the globe who do not have much. You can start by telling you child that there are other children out there who are not as lucky as they are. They can’t afford clothing, let alone toys and rely on the help of other people to get some of those things. You can then encourage your children to go to the room and find 1,2, 5 or 10 items they feel like they no longer need in order to donate them. Please bear in mind that no matter how charitable your child might feel they might get sentimental over their possessions so they might need your help for that too.

Volunteer: There is a variety of things that they can volunteer for. However, make sure that while encouraging them, you never push them to do something that they do not want to do because it may cause blowback. Therefore, encourage them to do something that they are invested in, or even better you can do it together. That way, they will not only experience the beauty and satisfaction of giving back and being a socially responsible person but they will also have the memory of their parent doing that with them. The effect that role models have on children should not be underestimated.

Do’s and don’ts

There are endless ways to help your child become socially responsible. Below we have compiled a brief summary of some Do’s and some Don’ts

Do’s

• Take your child with you to a social activity that you are going to. You can serve food to the hungry or give clothes to those in need. Do what you preach because bear in mind: your child is watching you.
• Tell stories of ordinary people who do selfless acts. Children are very smart today. It will motivate them when they get proof of the satisfaction and social approval of doing selfless deeds. Real-life stories of people whom they can relate to are the best way.
• Implant values in them such as explaining to them the importance of environmental awareness by taking part in the recycling programs or avoiding plastic bags and so on.
• Discuss the blessings that they have like access to food, clothes, shelter, parents, protection and show them how painful and wrong it is not to have these things.

Don’ts

• Do not give your child everything that they ask for because it might spoil them and also make them selfish. This does not in turn imply that you have to ignore their every wish, but be concerned and make them analyze whether they really need it.
• Do not ever speak ill or negatively about any religion, socioeconomic background or culture, or in a way that could be misinterpreted by a child as such.
• Encourage your child to speak the truth and take responsibility for anything that they have done. This is a sensitive issue that you need to strike the right balance. On the one hand, they have to know that if they do something wrong, they have to confess; on the other hand, they need to know that they cannot get away with anything and that there are consequences.
• When you ask your children to be honest, make sure you do the same thing, otherwise, they will be confused.

All in all, be patient and try to be consistent with your children.  Implanting values and giving responsibilities to children takes time. If your child is a bit older, do not mistakenly think that the ship has sailed. People change values, beliefs and ethics until they are in their 20s. Start making changes today, it is not too late.

Socially responsible and grateful athlete

Statistically speaking, most of your children will not become professional athletes, but some will. Those who do, may very well find themselves in possession of a lot of money and in the public gaze. How the kids go about it, their behavior, their action will depend to a great extent on their upbringing and what you managed to communicate to them throughout their adolescent years. You will obviously be very proud of your child but wouldn’t it make you prouder if you see them using all that influence and wealth to also do good and give back to their community? If you manage to lay the right foundations now, in 10 years you might turn on the TV, or read the news and see a headline about your child’s social contribution.

Nowadays, there is mounting pressure on athletes to be socially engaged and is not just that people who do are praised; it seems that when the public thinks that someone should be acting in a certain way but they do not, they might get criticized as it recently happened to NBA and NFL players who failed to speak up about the murder of George Floyd. On the other hand, there are those whose names have become synonymous with charity and philanthropy. For example, Neymar jr. helped his country’s fight against Ebola; Russell Wilson founded the “Why Not You” foundation which fights for children’s rights and causes; Serena Williams is amongst other things as UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador; LeBron James’ foundation has helped send hundreds of children to school. The examples are endless but what we are trying to establish is that for your child to be like that, should they turn pro, you have to raise a socially responsible and charitable individual who will also see it as their duty to help those in need.

There are also other important benefits from teaching gratitude and social responsibility. If your child is not grateful when they have less money and fewer possessions, chances are they will not be content when they have more. Being grateful or ungrateful is an attitude, a state of mind and not contingent upon your material belongings. No matter how much money you make, how many assets you have, how hard you party, you will never be content if you are ungrateful. Moreover, if children are never grateful for what they have, when they grow up and come into wealth, they might waste their newly-found wealth away in search for happiness, which can lead them down to dark paths.

Being socially responsible is also immensely important as it teaches us to not focus exclusively on our personal interests, but try to work for the benefit of others as well. Consequently, your child is less likely to be selfish, greedy, insensitive and other negative traits and attitudes that are associated with self-centrism.

Of course, it is not always about money and there are other ways to fight for something good, do the right thing and strive for social justice. For example, Megan Rapinoe has become a spokesperson for gender equality and LGBTQ rights. She is in other words, a social activist. Once again, the common denominator is that to be like that, you first have to learn to fight for the common good and recognize right and wrong and be willing to speak up or fight for it. This is only possible if you are grateful, recognize your privilege and your ability—even duty— to make a difference.

Socially responsible and grateful adult

The majority of your children will not become professional athletes and will end up in more conventional paths; they may go to college; they may start their own business, they will start their own families and so on. Even then, it goes without saying that gratitude and social responsibility are both necessities. Every step of the way, they will find themselves in both good and bad places. Gratitude and social responsibility will be valuable tools in their struggle for self-fulfillment and happiness. It is important to teach children to be independent, driven, self-sufficient and work for their self-betterment and personal interests, but not exclusively.

By raising socially responsible and grateful children you’re grooming them to always look on the bright side of life. Such persons are always better students, workers, friends, partners, husbands, wives, uncles, aunts, mothers and fathers.

Lesson wrap-up

Today’s class was about two interrelated concepts: gratitude and social responsibility. We started with gratitude and explained its importance and impact on a child’s psyche. We then expanded on different methods and strategies you can employ to teach your child gratitude before moving social responsibility. We then discussed what social responsibility is and the centrality of appreciating that we live in societies where our interaction with our fellow human beings, and our actions in relation to them is vital and define who we are and who we become. To that end, we pointed out several ways for teaching your children social responsibility and helping them cultivate a community spirit. Finally, we tried to kind of look into the future. In other words, how a child who learns how to be grateful and socially responsible will turn out to be as an adult more generally, compared to someone who doesn’t.

At this point the instructor should go over the learning objectives stated at the beginning of the lesson and take questions from parents.  An open discussion on the concepts taught and how they relate to the parents, their kids and the whole family should be encouraged.