Fully support your children by getting ready for their teenage years

Introduction

Key topic

In this module we discuss the tumultuous years we call teenage years. The point of this session is to prepare you for the changes your children will undergo and enable you to help your children get through their teenage years as best as possible. We will highlight the risks and dangers lurking during their teenage years and explore the concept of peer pressure in particular. You need to be ready to help your children cope with peer pressure. Moreover, during their teenage years your children will start interacting with a lot of people outside the family; they will make and break friendships, relationships and so on and you need to be there to guide them and prepare them for what lies ahead in adulthood.  Finally, we will have a brief discussion on how to discover and encourage your kids’ special interests and talents.

Learning objectives

• Understand what to expect in your child’s teenage years
• Become aware of common teenage problems and how to handle them
• Realize that peer pressure is one of the most prevalent phenomena in a teen’s life and it can have both negative and positive effects
• Develop ways to help children cope with peer pressure
• Find ways to help children navigate relationship and friendship problems while being careful in limiting the degree of your involvement
• Urge your children to discover their special talents and interests and show them how they can transform these talents and interests into valuable skills

A brief overview of teenage years

Teenage years are tumultuous because they are full of changes and confusion for the teenager. Teenage hormones will be having a party, the teenagers’ bodies will be changing drastically and teenage kids have to cope with a different form of socialization and social life than what they had been used to before. Moreover, their interests as teenagers will be constantly changing and your relationship with them as parents will be tested and probably strained. It’s important to understand that you will have to adjust and adapt in order to persevere and guide them to the best of your ability during those years.

Adolescence is a time for growth spurts and puberty changes. A teenage may grow several inches in several months followed by a period of very slow growth, then have another growth “spree”. Changes with puberty may happen gradually or several signs may become apparent at the same time. Sexual and other physical maturation that happens during puberty is a result of hormonal changes. In boys, it is difficult to know exactly when puberty is coming. There are changes that happen, but they happen gradually over a period of time. Physically, there will be several changes such as: voice, body shape, pubic hair distribution, and facial hair.

The teenage years bring many changes, not only physically, but also socially and mentally. During these years, adolescents increase their ability to think abstractly and eventually make plans and set objectives and goals. Each child will develop at a different pace and may have a different view of the world but they will start thinking long-term, concern themselves with social issues and unfortunately but inevitably compare themselves to their peers.

As your child begins to strive for control over their lives, many changes may happen. They will start looking for independence from you, they will seek the acceptance of peers and their approval, they will probably be involved in amorous and sexual relationships and may even fall in love; they will make mistakes, they will get hurt, they will be confused, erratic, compulsive, impulsive, they will come to their senses, then drift again. All these behaviors will be the result of the endless and rapid changes that they will experience both internally and externally as teenagers. Most of the changes in a person’s teenage life are probably inevitable and your role will be mostly to provide them with the necessary tools to cope with all these ups and downs. Moreover, make sure that you build a relationship of trust with your children and keep the channel of communication open, because that will be the only way to stand by your kids’ side and provide meaningful assistance.

All in all, your child will soon undergo massive changes and will enter the most confusing time of their lives. Changes will happen inside of them, in their brains and emotions, as well as in their outside appearance, and in their social environment. Everything you have taught them thus far will be put to the test. The most important thing, however, is to find ways to stay close to them in order to be able to help them when necessary.

Common challenges of teenage years

Every teen will face different problems and challenges during their teenage years and there is no way to predict which of them they will face, as they are contingent upon their interaction with others and their choices. Nonetheless, we list below several of these challenges which are considered by researchers as the most common ones. Let’s explore them briefly:

1) Bullying

About 20% of teens in the U.S. experienced bullying in 2017 according to the National Center for Education Statistics. One explanation the research has put forth is the rise of social media which has transformed bullying into a more public phenomenon. Cyberbullying is so much more prevalent than bullying. Talk to your teen about bullying regularly. Have a conversation with them about what they can do when they witness and/or experience bullying and basically lay out some options for them.

2) Depression

According to The National Institute of Mental Health, about 13% of teenagers in the US may experience depression before reaching adulthood. That is over 3 million people and almost twice the cases reported in the previous decade. The number keeps increasing.

Research suggests that depression had a gendered twist with more girls suffering from it. Numerous studies blame technological developments for the increase in mental health problems. There is strong evidence indicating that spending too much time on gadgets may be impeding young people from actual human interaction and activities such as sports, which can help fend off depression. Loneliness and isolation are two of the most common feelings that they may experience.

3) Drug use

Marijuana is more frequently used by teenaged than cigarettes in the US. A few years ago, about 6% of high school seniors reported using marijuana daily.  Make sure you have regular conversations with your child about the dangers of drug use. Don’t forget to mention the dangers of prescription drugs, too. Some people do not recognize the dangers of prescription drugs which is increasingly becoming a huge problem among teenagers in the US. Also, teens often fail to comprehend how easy it is to develop an addiction due to a false sense of danger even of invincibility. Be sure to refresh their memories every now and then.

4)  Alcohol use

Alcohol use has declined among teenagers. Nonetheless, almost 30% of high school seniors still report drinking alcohol.  Talk to teens about the risks of drinking. Educate them about the dangers, including the fact that alcohol can take a serious toll on a teenager’s developing brain, their physical well-being and so on. Perhaps you could focus on what you’ll think is more likely to deter them. For example, an athlete is much more likely to be put off by the dangers regarding their physique. Express your disapproval of underage drinking because it can make a difference in how your kids view drinking.  Drinking should be viewed by teenagers as something that will get them in trouble and not something that is enjoyable.

5) Sexual activity

In 2017, 39.5% of high school students reported being sexually active. That means that sexual activity has actually declined, albeit slightly over the past decade, which is also evident in the decline in teenage pregnancies.  Talk to your teen about sex, even if you don’t think your child is engaging in sexual activities. It might not be the most comfortable thing to do but it remains a vital topic.

6) Education

Research has shown that it’s no longer just the troublemakers and misfits who drop out of school. Some kids experience so much pressure to get great grades and get into a good college that they end up burning themselves out before they graduate from high school. Provide support and guidance if your child experiences these types of problems. Make sure to communicate to them that everything will work out and try not to put too much pressure on them with respect to their academic endeavors. Be a realist and do not push them to their limits.

7) Social Media

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and other platforms can be great means of communication and devices for teens to connect and “socialize”; but social media can lead to problems as well. For example, social media can leave your teen vulnerable to cyberbullying, body-shaming and so on.  Social media can have a negative impact on friendships, and is also changing the landscape of dating. It can even impact their mental health. No matter how many precautions you take and parental controls you apply, your kids will encounter unsavory people, unhealthy images, and sexual content online. Help your child navigate social media. Try to be aware of what your teen is doing while online. Stay up-to-date with the latest trendy apps and websites. It might also be good to take steps to set limits to their screen time.

In short, there are many things that you have to look out for. Most of these things you have experienced yourselves as they were the same problems that your generation faced, apart from social media perhaps. However, these problems although same in nature, have differences due to the changing environment. For example, it might be harder now to buy alcohol but it might be easier to buy drugs.  Perhaps the most important thing that you have to instill in your kids’ brain is to ask for help and guidance from an adult when in trouble and that asking for the help of adults is not a sign of weakness but an act of courage.

Action Steps – Exercise 1 (10 minutes)

Which of the aforementioned challenges do you feel least comfortable and/or equipped to handle and why?

Now, let’s watch a 5-minute video where we will listen to teenager Lucy Androski tell us how teenagers perceive things. This is key, because it’s about understanding their perspective:

How to parent a teen from a teen’s perspective

Peer Pressure

What is peer pressure?

A major challenge for teenagers is peer pressure and we chose to give it special attention because it is quite widespread. Peer pressure is pressure felt by one’s social group to behave in certain ways, which can be either good or bad. Peer pressure begins as early as age 10 with the formation of social groups in elementary school but increases exponentially during adolescence. Changing hormones, developing brains and emerging identities makes the start of adolescence a particularly vulnerable time, and that is exactly the time in which peer pressure is most influential. Social groups, especially friend groups are of utmost importance and the desire to fit in is a major factor in decision making.

Effects of peer pressure

The effects of peer pressure can manifest in various ways depending on the person. For example, a teen with insufficient self-confidence and not many friends may be more prone to negative peer pressure, while a confident, extroverted teen may be more likely to give, as well as receive, positive peer pressure. In other words, peer pressure can play on certain strengths or challenges that an adolescent already faces.

Typical examples include but are not limited to:

• Using drugs or alcohol
• Bullying
• Stealing
• Cheating
• Skipping class

Negative peer pressure can also affect mental health as it can paradoxically decrease self-confidence even more and lead to subpar academic performance, distancing from family members and friends, or deterioration of mental health such as anxiety and depression. It should be noted though that social pressure can have positive effects as well. For example, if your kids hang out with the right crowd, they might be positively affected in the following areas:

• Academic excellence
• Leadership skills
• Participate in extracurricular activities—good and benevolent ones
• Volunteering

Put simply, positive peer pressure can nourish a sense of belonging and boost self-confidence. What should be apparent by now is that peer pressure can come in different shapes and sizes. However, one thing is for sure. As long as your child socializes with people then peer pressure is inevitable, therefore, every effort should be directed at mitigating its negative effects and possibly funneling it towards the right route.

Types of peer pressure

1) Direct Peer Pressure

This can be either spoken or unspoken. Examples include when a teenager hands another teenager drugs. Direct peer pressure usually orbits around behavior. In a lot of these instances, the teenager has to make spontaneous decisions. In other words, the teenager is put in a position of having to make an on-the-spot decision.

2) Indirect Peer Pressure

Indirect peer pressure is sort of “disguised”, but can still exert pressure on a young teenager. If a teenager finds out that the popular kids are doing drugs or drinking alcohol at a party it may direct them towards experimenting themselves as a way to gain acceptance and be liked.

3)Spoken Peer Pressure

Spoken peer pressure is when a teenager directly asks, suggests, persuades and so on another teenager to do or behave in a certain way. If this is done in a one-on-one environment, the recipient of the influence has a stronger chance of adhering to their own values and beliefs. If the spoken influence takes place within a group, the chances to go along with the group are high. In other words, peer pressure is much more effective in a group context.

4) Unspoken Peer Pressure

With unspoken peer pressure, a teenager is exposed to the actions and behaviors of one or far more often, more than one of their peers, friends etc and is left to choose whether they want to follow. This could take the form of fashion choices, personal interactions or ‘joining’ types of behavior (clubs, cliques, teams, etc.). Many young teens lack the mental maturity to make wise long-term decisions. As a result, many teenagers are more prone to influence from their more popular or older friends.

5) Negative Peer Pressure

Asking a teenager to behave in a way that goes against their moral compass is a kind of negative peer pressure. Teens see the actions of other teens with stronger personalities, who are more popular and so on as putting them in a position to follow the leader or miss their chance and face ostracism. It’s not uncommon for teens with fundamentally different morals to find themselves engaging in behavior that goes against their beliefs, simply because they seek acceptance. Young people often lack the skills to say no to negative peer pressure and prioritize their own way of thinking and articulate it to argue their case.

6) Positive Peer Pressure

Sometimes peer pressure can lead to positive influence if the said attitudes, actions and behaviors are healthy, appropriate and broadly speaking socially acceptable. For example, if a teenager has the best grades in class, a friend teenager can be positively motivated to study. If a teenager wants to earn money from working, a friend teenager may also be motivated to get a job in order to buy a new bicycle for example. If all members of a teenage team vow to abstain from drinking to focus on staying healthy and maximize performance, then this will have a positive influence on all teenager team members.

Action Steps – Exercise 2 (5 minutes):

Let’s discuss an imaginary scenario; Your child is a very talented footballer and absolutely adores the sport. One day, they show up and tell you that they no longer want to be involved in the sport in any way. How do you react?

Help your child handle peer pressure

Parents must understand the variables and dynamics at play here in order to be able to help and guide their children out of negative peer pressure and behaviors that they do not really want to engage in. A lot of psychologists suggest that the best overall approach/strategy is one that includes honest discussions that address perception and reality. Remember that even when your children seem distant, disinterested and cold towards you, as a parent you still remain one of their biggest influences.  At times, it may seem like your children aren’t listening, but they usually are, in a stand-off way. When parents stay involved in their children’s lives, their kids tend to make better choices for themselves.

Given the impact that peer pressure can have on teenagers, it is vital for parents to encourage open communication and help their child prepare for negative scenarios that they might have to face in relation to peer pressure. Below is a list of tips by experts that we have compiled.

1) Nurture an environment of open communication with your child from an early age. Look for opportunities to ask your child about any pressure they have experienced or even witnessed and encourage them to reveal how it made them feel. Let them know you are there to listen and even provide help if they need it.

2) Sharing your own experiences of peer pressure and how you handled them. Real-life examples, even if slightly reformulated can have a major effect on teenagers.

3) Teach your child how to set boundaries and be assertive to a certain extent. This aims at helping them to be able stand by their own opinions and beliefs and also be able to articulate them when it becomes necessary.

4) Make an effort to get to know your child’s friends and their parents. If possible, encourage your child to invite friends over as one way to become familiar with them. That can help in opening channels of communications and collaboration with their friends’ parents and/or the friends which can come in handy at some point.

5) Encourage your child to seek out positive relationships and to choose friends who respect them and do not put unfair pressure on them. However, make sure not to push too hard or in a wrong way because it may backfire.

6) Most importantly, try and foster independence in your child and teach them to listen to their intuition. They have to learn that they cannot satisfy everyone, especially at the expense of their own wishes and will.

Communication, communication, communication! That is the most important thing to keep in mind. If you lose that you will be powerless, which is why, you might need to let some things slide, even if you do not approve in order to look at the bigger picture. Most importantly, remain flexible and handle situations based on what you have in front of you.

Relationships and friendships

We have already covered the most important aspect of relationships and friendships through our discussion of peer pressure but there are other things to be mentioned as well, for example, emotional relationships. You will see your children make and break relationships, form and drop friendships because the teenage years are the years of personality-formation where their interests, thoughts and beliefs keep changing and inevitably the people we have around us reflect all that. If for example, the child loves football and all their friends are football players and fans and the main topics of discussion evolve around football, then if one day they wake up and they no longer want to have anything to do with football, then they will not have many things in common with that social group any more.

Of course, there are other problems in friendships: they will fall out with their friends, fight, there will be misunderstandings, probably hurt each other and so on. All these are part of life so don’t be too protective when these happen as they will have to deal with everything in their adulthood as well. Witnessing their child get hurt by friends and peers is very hard to deal with for a parent. In these cases you need to remain calm and discuss the situation with your child, express your support and offer guidance.

No matter what the nature of the problem with their friends, there is a series of interwoven things that you can do. Firstly, listen. As soon as you listen to your child expressing social pain then you might automatically and subconsciously relate based on your experiences. However, remember that you are not here to ‘fix’ their problems per se, just offer advice and guidance. Therefore, listen to them and show that you understand what they are saying. This brings us to something truly important which is showing empathy. This helps the child rationalize the problem and instead of feeling emotionally hurt by it, they start thinking about how to go about solving it.

Sometimes it might be harder to gain access so you might have to work your way around it. This can happen by asking questions. The answers to those questions no matter how dry, can reveal to you what is underneath the situation and you can then concentrate on that. This part will require some critical thinking and informed guessing. Ultimately, you also need to provide your kids with the tools for addressing and solving the problems, but once again, without trying to dictate to them what to do. What you need to do is equip them with the abilities to do so.

In addition to the above you should also encourage problem solving. The best thing you can do as a parent when helping your child solve friendship and relationship issues is to give your child the skills to initiate problem-solving. It is neither possible nor desirable to remain in the ‘feel’ part as sooner or later they will need to find ways to solve their problems. Of course, to do so, first they need to work through their emotions and then address them.  A great way to help is by offering “insights”.  Your kids can then incorporate those insights into their own ideas in order to form their framework for solving their problems. Finally, you have to trust them that they will manage to solve their problem any way they see fit. If, for example, they fight with a friend or boyfriend/ girlfriend then do not immediately side with your child at the expense of the other person—in other words, do not try to directly affect their decision — because they might make up in the end.

Most of what we discussed is applicable to both friendships and relationships. However (romantic) relationships are a bit more complicated. Romantic relationships can get more emotional than friendships and the main dilemma that you will face is “Do I intervene or not?”. The important thing is to recognize dangerous behavior but not panic over small and potentially harmless deviant behavior.

It is possible for teens to date the “wrong people”, or someone that they are not a good match with and this is probably normal. Let them explore, make mistakes and learn from them. This will make them realize what they really want and it will prepare them to make better choices during adulthood. On the other hand, there are cases where you might not want to let things slide and instead will have to intervene to prevent long-term damage. For example:

• The relationship is abusive (physically, verbally or emotionally)– Signs include: looking fearful of their partner, developing depression, apologizing for their boyfriend’s/ girlfriend’s behavior.
• Excessive fighting/arguing- A bit of fighting is not something to worry about but if that is the status quo of the relationship then probably neither of them is having fun and are not a good match.
• Your teen’s dating someone older who exerts too much influence on them– If the age difference is more than a couple of years and coupled with negative influence such as substance abuse then it’s probably the result of your teen being “dominated” by the other party.
• They are changing their long-term plans all of a sudden– For example, deciding not to go on to college all of a sudden and instead base their plans on what their boyfriend/girlfriend does.

Help your children discover their interests and special talents

As parents, we have a unique and exciting opportunity to encourage our children to explore and develop their own set of interests.  Many studies have shown that children learn more effectively when adults engage them in everyday activities that are based on their interests.  While you may know many of your child’s interests, taking a closer look may give you some new information.

In order to gather information about your child’s interests, you should observe your child throughout the day in as many activities as possible.  When observing your child, you should ask yourself the following questions which will help you identify your child’s interests:

• What makes your child smile and laugh?
• What gets and keeps your child’s attention?
• What gets your child excited?
• What are your child’s favorite things to do?
• What brings out the best in your child?
• What makes your child try new things?
• What does your child choose to do more often?

Once you identify your child’s interests, you may use these interests as learning gateways, and make learning a fun activity for your child.

Most kids often wonder what they can excel at and it is vital that they find the answer.  They need to discover their areas of competence, their abilities or skills that they are good at and it is the parents’ job to help them in their discovery journey.  If we fail to uncover our kids’ special skills, their confidence may suffer and they will be much more likely to make mistakes that may have a bearing on their lives.

We suggest that you find your child’s areas of interest and enjoyment, and encourage them to get involved.  If your child likes something, it may lead to a skill.  There are many activities that you can encourage your child to participate in and sports is one of them.  You may also introduce your child to a hobby.  Look for interest in school subjects and work with your kid’s teachers to come up with creative ways to encourage your child to learn more about their favorite subject.  Encouraging other adults such as teachers to reinforce your child’s positive qualities, adds a powerful dimension to boosting your child’s confidence.  Kids, especially teenagers, tend to discount what parents say but when other adults make comments, they sit up and take notice.

Lesson wrap-up

Today we discussed several topics relating to the issues and problems that you might have to face during your child’s teenage years. We started with a brief overview of what to expect in your child’s teenage years and then moved to list a few of the most common dangers and challenges lurking about during adolescence. We then focused on peer pressure and its types, which is one of the inevitable challenges that you will have to deal with. We also included a couple of things you can possibly to do mitigate the effects of peer pressure or gear it towards the right direction.  In our final two subjects about relationships and friendships, and how to help your child to start thinking about their future, we have provided you with a few useful techniques which we believe will prove to be useful.

At this point the instructor should go over the learning objectives stated at the beginning of the lesson and take questions from parents.  An open discussion on the concepts taught and how they relate to the parents, their kids and the whole family should be encouraged.